The Vatican has finally found a way to fill St. Peter’s Basilica; by inviting Instagram influencers with ring lights and manicured beards. In the latest surreal chapter of the postconciliar circus, Pope Leo XIV’s Vatican is hosting the first-ever Jubilee for Catholic Influencers. That’s right: a “holy year” event not for martyrs, penitents, or missionaries dying in the bush, but for men who die a little inside every time their reels don’t hit 10k views.
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Naturally, this event is being marketed with a tone-deaf mix of saccharine synodality and selfie-stick spirituality. Vatican News calls it a “landmark gathering” of “digital missionaries,” a phrase that might once have evoked Venerable Fulton Sheen, but now seems to mean middle-aged clergy in skinny jeans lip-syncing Gospel quotes on TikTok. The official hymn, titled Todos (“Everyone”), is reportedly inspired by Francis’s infamous World Youth Day mantra: “In the Church, there is room for everyone, everyone, everyone!” Unless, of course, you’re attached to the Latin Mass.
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One such “missionary” is Michael Lofton, the poster child of aggressive Vatican II apologetics. Known online for his unwavering defense of every ambiguous papal utterance from Francis and now Leo, Lofton has gleefully announced that the Vatican invited him personally to attend the influencer Jubilee.
In a video recorded inside St. Peter’s, he proclaims with audible pride: “They put me on their website as a content creator… recognized by the Vatican.” He adds that he’s staying in the Cardinals’ residence, possibly meeting cardinals, and was even told he might meet the pope. Lofton gushes about doing “all kinds of cool stuff,” and indeed, nothing says apostolic mission like chasing clout in the Eternal City on the dime of the modernist hierarchy.
This isn’t parody, it’s the Church of the New Pentecost™ at full throttle.
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