Gutting the Catholic Church with Deep Tongue Kisses

In one photo, he’s standing in front of an image of Christ that at first glance looks like a contorted statue of the Buddha. He’s dressed in a skin-tight unflattering pull-over that highlights body flab. Around his neck is a long wooden rosary, a misplaced use of a sacramental.

In other photos, his eyes seem to slant in a locked Machiavellian, snake-in-the-grass stare.

Who is he?

His name is Victor Manuel “Tucho” Fernandez, an Argentine Catholic Archbishop and friend of Pope Francis.

Archbishop Tucho is also a Beat Café style poet, who published ‘Heal Me With Your Mouth: The Art of Kissing,’ a small volume of poetry and prose about the art of open-mouth kissing. (Think: ‘Story of O,’ Terry Southern’s ‘Candy,’ Linda Lovelace in ‘Deep Throat,’ and Allen Ginsberg’s famous line, “This form of life needs sex.”)

“The penetrating kiss is when you suck and slurp with the lips. The penetrating kiss is when you stick in your tongue. Watch out for the teeth,” Tucho writes.

Also from Tucho:

“My boyfriend gets a hard mouth when he kisses me. He hasn’t yet learned how to loosen his lips. Lovely!”

“What I like the most is the kiss of peace at Mass. That was the first kiss with the hottie I have now.”

“I love kissing his fingertips. It gets more affectionate than anything else.”

“I once went crazy with the pleasure I was given from being kissed on the eyes. But I didn’t say this because it’s going to leave me blind.”

Tucho, now referred to as “the kissing archbishop,” says that he wrote his book on kissing to “motivate [young people] to release the best of yourself in a kiss.”

He wanted his young, passionate readers to “kiss better.”

In his little book, he warns of certain pitfalls like bad breath, yet he refrains from suggesting a particular brand of mouthwash.

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